“Arise and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will cause you to hear My words.” Then I went down to the potter’s house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make......
Jeremiah 18:2-4
I feel the Lord is making a new vessel out of me. The old vessel was marred with enduring verbal and emotional abuse in my marriage and sexual abuse as a child. And the years I endured that I really lost who I was. But God has been restoring those parts of me that got lost in all the abuse. So the Lord seen fit to tear down the old marred vessel that I was. Which meant the ending of my marriage a well.
So life is about plan B for me right now. As one horizon comes to a close and a new horizon is opening before me. Plan A did not work out so well for me. I am in the middle of going through the divorce right now. I have been married for 17 years. And this is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. Grief and sorrow filled my soul. I have good days and bad days. I am getting through it though.
I had to make the decision to leave my verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. So this past November I finally got that courage to leave. I moved out of my house that looked like a castle and moved into a small apartment with the help of the Lord. The Lord guided me to the right apartment complex for me. Actually it is the same complex that me and my husband lived in when we first moved here. But the Lord led me back here. I told the Lord "you put me back a square one" I did not understand at first. Now things are a little clearer. He had to bring me back to square one to remold me into what He really wants me to be. He has to start over since the clay that I was was so marred.
I live in a different apartment than the first time I lived here. Not the same layout. But this apartment fits me and who I am. It has a fireplace and I love fireplaces. It was perfect for me. I have had to do a lot of letting go though. Letting go of a lot of material things. I had a beautiful house before. It was a 3,000 square foot home that really looked like a castle. Inside and out. But that castle became very dark, empty, cold and lonely. The fairy tale castle had turned into something I did not like anymore. It looked beautiful on the outside but on the inside the princess was very lonely and enduring a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. I will write more about that later.
So here I am in my new apartment which I actually love. I can be who I am and not live in fear. I am no longer controlled by anyone. I am finding out who I am. Which was a question that was recently asked of me on a retreat I went on in this past November. It was a retreat for people who have experienced abuse in one form or another. So I am pondering that question about who I really am.
This is the next chapter in my life. Plan B for me. God is able to write a new story for me and remold me into what He wants. And I am letting Him.......
This journal page really spoke to me in what it said.....Stop what you are doing and start living. So I am trying to start living again. He wants me to live again.
This is a prayer that I recently read from St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross (Edith Stein)
She is a Saint that I feel God sent to me recently to help me. And I so loved this prayer of hers. It fits where I am in my life right now. I will be writing more on Edith Stein later.
O my God, fill my soul with holy joy, courage and strength to serve You. Enkindle Your love in me and then walk with me along the next stretch of road before me. I do not see very far ahead, but when I have arrived where the horizon now closes down, a new prospect will open before me and I shall met with peace.
So if you are going through a difficult time right now just know God is with you. He has been with me every step of the way though my divorce and is healing the abuse I have been through and He wants the same for you. To heal you. I will also be writing on abuse in the future as well and some of the healing God is doing in me.
When I read the back of my journal I felt God really speaking to me. Do I sink or do I swim?
Blessings,
Janice
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