You have to do what is right for yourself.......

It took me a long time to realize that what I was experiencing was abuse in my marriage. I just thought the way I was living was just normal. I had no idea that it was actually  verbal and emotional abuse until the Lord revealed to me. The Lord put different people in my life to try to tell me this. But I just dismissed what they told me. I could not comprehend at the the time what they were trying to tell me.  My husband was upset at me for becoming Catholic. Actually he was more than just upset about that. He became very angry about my choice to be Catholic. He did not want me to be Catholic. This is where the abuse kind of started. I will write more on that later. But becoming Catholic is no reason for someone to be abusive to you or for any other reason.
And there were other times I felt the Lord was preparing me for what I am going through right now. There have been several times in the last 7 years that my husband told me that he wanted to divorce me.  But I could not stand the thought of getting a divorce. When he would say that to me it would put into an emotional state of crying for days and not wanting to leave my house. I wanted my marriage to work. I meant my vows. For better or for worse. But come to find out for worse does not mean letting someone be verbally and emotionally abusive to you. We did go to some counseling but to no avail. So this cycle continued for a long time. Things would be okay for a while then something would happen and it would start all over again.  It was not until this past October that God put a good friend in my path who was strong enough to get in my face and tell me the truth. Actually the Lord put two different ladies in my life to tell me the truth. It finally hit me. I had to leave the situation that I was in. I finally realized my marriage was over and the Lord wanted me to leave. So I started thinking do I really have the courage to leave? Do I have the courage to call a divorce lawyer and file for divorce?  Somewhere I found that courage to do just that. I had read earlier somewhere also "what you are willing to leave behind, will determine what God will bring to you......" So I kept thinking maybe God does have something better for me. But I had to make that decision to leave or not. I then made the decision to leave and whatever happens happens. I had to trust God. I could no longer live the way I was living. The emotional and verbal abuse had just taken it's toll on me. I and was extremely unhappy. So I called a lawyer and started to look at apartments. And there my journey began. Once I acted on the decision I had made God was there opening all the right doors for me. From the lawyer to the apartment. The Lord provided everything. Step by step He was leading me. 
There is a lot more that the Lord has done for me and is still doing for me. Too many things to tell right now. But I am happy where I am now in my apartment. I have strong support of my church and friends. 
I found this print  at the top of my post and bought it. It just spoke to me. I live near the beach and that is another reason why I liked it.  I had to do what is was right for me because no one else is walking in my shoes and no one knows what I have gone through. There are some who don't quite understand my decision and that is okay. As long as I know God is with me leading and guiding me I will be okay. 
This is a song that I love and really encouraged me. It is called "A Glorious Unfolding" by Steven Curtis Chapman. In the song it says "I know this is not anything like you thought your story would be....." I sure did not think that I would end up in and abusive marriage and then leaving after 17 years and starting all over again. I recently showed this video at a retreat that I led. It is just a beautiful song. And it gave me hope. Just listen to it........

Blessings,
Janice

Plan B

I wanted to start this new blog about being on plan B. God started to speak to me about Plan B when I found this journal......

 Sometimes God allows one door to close and opens a new door for you. I love the scripture I chose for my blog. 

“Arise and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will cause you to hear My words.” Then I went down to the potter’s house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make......
Jeremiah 18:2-4

I feel the Lord is making a new vessel out of me. The old vessel was marred with enduring verbal and emotional abuse in my marriage and sexual abuse as a child. And the years I endured that I really lost who I was. But God has been restoring those parts of me that got lost in all the abuse. So the Lord seen fit to tear down the old marred vessel that I was. Which meant the ending of my marriage a well.

So life is about plan B for me right now. As one horizon comes to a close and a new horizon is opening before me. Plan A did not work out so well for me. I am in the middle of going through the divorce right now. I have been married for 17 years. And this is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. Grief and sorrow filled my soul. I have good days and bad days. I am getting through it though. 

I had to make the decision to leave my verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. So this past November I finally got that courage to leave. I moved out of my house that looked like a castle and moved into a small apartment with the help of the Lord. The Lord guided me to the right apartment complex for me. Actually it is the same complex that me and my husband lived in when we first moved here. But the Lord led me back here. I told the Lord "you put me back a square one" I did not understand at first. Now things are a little clearer. He had to bring me back to square one to remold me into what He really wants me to be. He has to start over since the clay that I was was so marred. 

I live in a different apartment than the first time I lived here. Not the same layout. But this apartment fits me and who I am. It has a fireplace and I love fireplaces. It was perfect for me. I have had to do a lot of letting go though. Letting go of a lot of material things. I had a beautiful house before. It was a 3,000 square foot home that really looked like a castle. Inside and out. But that castle became very dark, empty, cold and lonely. The fairy tale castle had turned into something I did not like anymore. It looked beautiful on the outside but on the inside the princess was very lonely and enduring a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. I will write more about that later.

So here I am in my new apartment which I actually love. I can be who I am and not live in fear. I am no longer controlled by anyone. I am finding out who I am. Which was a question that was recently asked of me on a retreat I went on in this past November. It was a retreat for people who have experienced abuse in one form or another. So I am pondering that question about who I really am. 
This is the next chapter in my life. Plan B for me. God is able to write a new story for me and remold me into what He wants. And I am letting Him.......
This journal page really spoke to me in what it said.....Stop what you are doing and start living. So I am trying to start living again. He wants me to live again.

This is a prayer that I recently read from St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross (Edith Stein)
She is a Saint that I feel God sent to me recently to help me. And I so loved this prayer of hers. It fits where I am in my life right now. I will be writing more on Edith Stein later.

O my God, fill my soul with holy joy, courage and strength to serve You.  Enkindle Your love in me and then walk with me along the next stretch of road before me.  I do not see very far ahead, but when I have arrived where the horizon now closes down, a new prospect will open before me and I shall met with peace. 

So if you are going through a difficult time right now just know God is with you. He has been with me every step of the way though my divorce and is healing the abuse I have been through and He wants the same for you. To heal you. I will also be writing on abuse in the future as well and some of the healing God is doing in me.

When I read the back of my journal I felt God really speaking to me. Do I sink or do I swim?

Blessings,
Janice